It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
