She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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