Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
