it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
