if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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