Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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