So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
