I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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