How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't deserve a penis
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
