Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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