Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
