He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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