I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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