she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
