i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
