we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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