Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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