my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
