Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
