She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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