Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
