My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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