can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
