Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
