Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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