I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
