Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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