i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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