just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I need a beard to bite.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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