The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
