All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
