Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
