im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
