he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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