Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
