I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
