Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
