I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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