Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
