so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
