Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
