I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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