you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
