I just saw a hot homeless man
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
