you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
be right there i have to get my cape
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
