i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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