I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
