someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
