hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
