dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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