i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
