Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
