wat bout pragnant strippers??
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
