hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
